Love Yourself WildlyI have never written about this, but it is relevant to my self-love journey so I felt like it belonged here.
With Covid still going strong, it has been a really hard year for those of us suffering from depression. I know several people who, like myself, are barely hanging on. I’m sharing my story to get it off my chest, but also with the hopes that this will help someone who is feeling hopeless.
One year ago, my partner left for work one day and never came back. This wasn’t a normal “ghosting” (which I think is just shitty behaviour whichever way you slice it). We didn’t have an argument, we actually went out a couple nights earlier for St. Patrick’s Day and had a blast, right before everything shut down due to Covid. We were head over heels for each other. He stayed at my apartment almost every night, and we were discussing marriage.
Then he disappeared.
I’m beginning to understand that this was a blessing in disguise, but it was one of the worst things anyone had ever done to me: gained my trust, broke down my walls, and then swiftly kicked me in the gut and wiped his ass with my heart.
I went totally mental with grief. I felt like a loved one had died.
I also felt totally abandoned and rejected. My self esteem went into the toilet. I cried a lot. I gained a ton of weight.
What made everything worse was that all his things were still in my apartment. His shoes sat at the door for months, waiting for a return that would never happen. I slept with his clothes in my bed for 8 months after he left.
One night, I drank a bunch of vodka and took my sewing scissors to some of his shirts and basically cut them to dust (that was actually pretty therapeutic, I highly recommend it).
Eventually, I donated his things to charity, a process that felt exactly like mourning a death. I still have one of his sweaters, I just couldn’t bare to give everything away.
I’ve since learned that I dodged a bullet, even though it still really hurts. I learned a term recently, and discovered that he had “lovebombed” me. First of all, he told me he loved me one week after we started dating. He moved in shortly after. He left love notes around the apartment. He bought me lots of presents. He was super affectionate, which I’ve honestly never had in a relationship before. He was supportive and always said he was so proud of me for all my accomplishments. I thought I had finally found the perfect relationship.
He even introduced me to his church family and we began taking courses together at the church.
We were planting seeds.
Friends have asked me if he treated me like a princess. He didn’t. He treated me like GOLD. He treated me like the best person he had ever met. He treated me like I was the best person in the world.
I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn’t believe it was real. And it turned out not to be. When he left, I felt even less deserving of love and affection. I’ve had lower self-esteem than ever before, and I feel unattractive and unworthy of love.
It has taken me an entire year just to feel semi-recovered, and my heart still feels bruised up. When this anniversary came up, I got so depressed that not a day passes when I don’t cry. All of a sudden, I’m feeling bombarded by all of my past traumas, not just this one.
So what does this have to do with this blog?
I have found myself in the position of having to relearn to love myself.
If you’ll bear with me, let’s go back to Psych 101 for a minute. When it comes to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, if you don’t feel love or belonging, you can experience depression or anxiety. Lack of esteem can also contribute to depression and anxiety. When safety needs are not met, posttraumatic stress may occur.
I know for sure that since Covid began, my safety needs feel compromised. I was just outside for a walk after the latest spike in cases here in the lower mainland, and I was practically jumping out of peoples’ way. Also, my belongingness & love needs have been on shaky ground for about a year. I have to wonder how much of an impact Covid is having on our psyche.
As some of you know, I did a bunch of self-love work a couple of years ago. What is frustrating is, it feels like a never ending job. And sometimes I feel like a failure at it. But I can reassure myself knowing that fresh wounds require fresh bandages. The past year is going to take some work.
When I feel like I do now, I have to check in with myself and ask what would make me feel good in that moment. I say “have to” because it is so fucking hard when you’re depressed. It’s like you’re in a well, reaching for a handhold in the dark.
As a graphic designer, I’m an aesthetics person and I love hair and makeup. So for me, it helps to do my hair and makeup. If I’m not doing those things, I know my depression is getting bad. I think it’s important to have those measuring sticks for myself for when I get depressed. Because Lord knows I need all the help I can get when I feel like I’m sinking.
It helps me to write my way through the weeds, but again, that is so hard when I feel depressed. I haven’t been writing because I’m so embarrassed about how much of a basket case I’ve been this past year. And depression is really great at convincing you are no good and no one wants to hear what you have to say about anything.
When I start feeling shitty like I am right now, I have to remember to be gentle with myself, and remind myself that this too shall pass. Even though it’s so hard to see that right now.
With the help of some dear friends, I am currently shopping for a psychiatrist who will hopefully help me work through my past trauma, which is a big part of why I struggle with depression. I’ve been mistreated by so many people I trusted, I would have trouble knowing where to start.
But I do know for sure that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when that feels impossible.
I’m sharing all of this with you to let you know that, if you are suffering from depression, you are not alone. We just have to keep doing what we can to put one foot in front of the other.
I will leave you with this amazing short video from my good friend and brother from another mother, Richard Van Camp. If you are hurting, I strongly encourage you to watch this. I watch it every time I am feeling sad, and Richard’s magic always helps me.
If you are having a mental health crisis, please contact Crises Services Canada. Their number is 1-833-456-4566 and they are available to accept calls 24/7/365. You can also send a text to 45645 from 4pm-Midnight (Eastern Time) and there will be someone there to talk to. Asking for help is the hardest part, but Crisis Services provides a safe and judgement-free place to talk.
