What the fuck is self-care anyway?

In late 2018, I was feeling sad, tired, and worn out. I was sick of my work, felt like my life was hopeless, and was becoming increasingly physically unwell. I had turned to alcohol and drugs to soothe myself, but the result was the opposite, my anxiety and depression doubled up. I felt hopeless and couldn’t get off the rollercoaster of depression and addiction.

A good friend of mine had lost her sister and she had chosen to stop engaging in a lot of social activities to spend more time with her loved ones, and specifically her husband. She said she felt life is too short, and she needed to be more choosy about how she budgeted her time. She felt that a lot of the time and energy she spent socializing could be better utilized, and she spent close to a year practicing self-care and “quieting down” her life. I was so inspired by her story that I thought I would take a page out of her book.

There was just one problem – I had no clue what self-care was. The term “self-care” has a lot of buzz, and with so many different messages to sort through, it’s hard to pinpoint what exactly it is. I literally had to google “what is self-care”! I can’t make this shit up.

I always thought self-care just wasn’t for me. Everything I had read about it made it sound sooooo boring, especially for an addict. I mean, everything I read was like: drink lots of water, take hot baths, read books, eat well, get fresh air, mindful meditation, yoga, blah, blah, blah. BORING. It sounded not only boring, but totally not me.

I started my “Radical Self Care” journey in December 2018, but it has been very much a journey, not a destination. I’ve been through so much in just one short year.

I keep learning new things about self-care all the time. Learning more about self-care has required me to learn more about myself.

When I started my outpatient treatment program for alcohol addiction, I started to learn more about how I spend my time and energy. I was well aware of how much money I spent when I was in active addiction (I often refer to it as a hole in the bottom of my financial boat: once sealed up, I couldn’t believe how much better afloat I was), but what I wasn’t aware of was the amount of time it takes up. Drinking, the hangovers, the time spent acquiring substances… it all added up to an incredible amount of time. So when I got sober, my counsellor suggested giving “scheduling” a high priority, because, she said, if I schedule out my days and plan how I’m going to fill all that extra time, my risk of relapse will be lower.

She told me that, when scheduling our time, we should try and find a balance between work, play and love.

It dawned on me that this diagram could be applied to self care as well. I realized there was some self care that actually wasn’t immediately soothing or even gratifying. I started calling that stuff “ugly” self care. For me, that’s the “work” section of the Venn diagram: dishes, personal finances, cleaning the apartment and grocery shopping all fall under this category. As an introvert, play can be hard for me to identify and incorporate because I think of concerts, performances, plans out with friends, and even sticking to plans with myself. I have learned that those items are a bit of work and a bit of play. Pure play could be as simple as jumping in puddles, but I also love self-dates, so taking myself to an art gallery, museum, out shopping or out for lunch. Love for me is quiet time with friends, dates (if I am at the right place in my recovery), baths, reading books, and drawing.

Lots of these can cross into other areas, for example sometimes drawing and writing feel like both work and play. Sometimes drawing also feels like love.

I am still in the process of learning more about what self-care means to me, and trying to strike a balance of work, play and love in my self-care.

What can we do to incorporate more work, play and love balance in our lives? Try to create your own self-care Venn diagram to discover how your self-care activities balance out.