Thoughts On 9 Months Sober

On April 1, 2019, I checked myself into Vancouver Detox for alcohol and substance abuse.

My alcohol use had been spiralling for years. I can (sort of) blame a culmination of a few factors. All of which seem a little too pathetic and “poor little privileged white lady” for my comfort, but here goes. I was feeling unfulfilled at work, sad because I hadn’t found a suitable partner, and frustrated because I was working my ass off and my business wasn’t taking off as fast as I wanted it to.

My drinking went from a little partying to a lot of partying to something that I needed every day just to feel normal. I felt like I was possessed. I couldn’t relax until I had my fix. I thought about booze constantly. It became worse in the past year or two, bringing with it banging hangovers, the shakes, memory loss, blackouts, depression and severe panic attacks. There was no one catastrophic event that made my drinking worse, it just felt like the pot was being turned up really slowly. Before I knew it I was in trouble.

The biggest problem was that I was “high functioning”, meaning I still had a good job and a nice apartment, I showed up to things relatively on time, on paper I was a responsible adult. I hadn’t been to jail or to the psych ward. I hadn’t slept behind a dumpster. I had money in my bank account (sort of). I had good credit. No one, not even my closest friends, knew how bad it had become.

I thought I was doing a great job of hiding my problem, and I probably was at the beginning, but it was getting harder and harder to keep hidden. Eventually I was having trouble keeping it together and it became obvious to my friends. It makes me sad to think about that period of time not too long ago, but I’m thankful that I have so many caring people in my life.

When I first told people I was going to treatment the first question most people asked me was “how long will you be away”? That is like asking how long it will take to heal a physical malady. I would usually respond with: “Until I’m better.”

I’ve learned not to rush it. Substance abuse is an illness, and it takes time to heal. You will need more sleep. You might have less energy. You may eat more. You may gain weight. I was fortunate enough to have the luxury of time off work (I was on short term disability with my insurance provider). But in having that time off, it was easy for me to get caught up in feelings that I wasn’t getting enough done. Like, after a month at a treatment centre, I was damn tired. I felt exhausted. I beat myself up for not getting more writing done (“I could have written a book by now, I am wasting SO much time!”). I even beat myself up about not getting better faster, feeling like I was never going to feel better and I was wasting everyone’s time by resting.

Recovery doesn’t happen in a day or a week. It’s a long process so I have had to learn to be kind and patient with myself.

I have alcohol and other substances to thank for a lot of changes I’ve made in my life. My experience with addiction forced me to make some major adjustments that were scary but essential. Upon returning to work after inpatient treatment, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to return to the same life again, because everything was deeply and profoundly different. I realized how much of an impact stress had on my health, and I discovered that I was not going to be able to work at that same job for too much longer. Working through health issues with my counsellor made that very clear, and I decided to make the switch to being self-employed. This was a terrifying prospect in a lot of ways.

But I trained myself to replace “What if I fail?” thinking with “What if I am an amazing success?” and “What will I do when I’m living the life of my dreams?” and as cheesy as that may sound, it really worked. In order for this to have any sort of legs, I needed to be my #1 cheerleader.

I also prayed my ass off.

And you know what happened? God, or Universe or whatever you want to call it, has provided. We seem to have a deal where, as long as I stay sober, great stuff will come my way. I feel like my life is better than it has ever been before, and it feels great to say that.

I learned that recovery takes time, and I learned to be patient with myself.

I am so thankful for my addictions because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t know myself on a deeper level than ever before.

And for that, I am thankful. One day at a time.